The Dumbass Tin Soldier by: ChibiInja (ballamum@hotmail.com) Cast Dumbass Tin Soldier: Wufei Princess: Sally Jack-in-the-box: Treize Rats: Duo and Heero Fish: Shenlong Gundam Little Boy: Quatre Child: Trowa Maid: Relena Once upon a time there were 25 Tin Soldiers who lived in a box. They were all brothers, because they had all been made from the same tin spoon. How anyone could make 25 little tin people from one lousy spoon is beyond me, but that's the way it goes. They were all exactly alike, except for one. There had not been enough tin to completely finish him, so he was missing a brain. On top of that, he had been made from the last greasy bit of tin, so his head was very greasy and shiny. All the tin soldiers stood in a row in their lame Mariemaia Army uniforms, clutching little tin semi-automatics. The little boy who owned the soldiers had lots of other toys, including a complete army set with helicopters, tanks, mobile suits and tiny plastic weapons that fired little plastic missiles. The most beautiful thing in the whole set was a little plastic woman, with pretty blond hair, camos, and para- trooper boots. Our dumbass tin soldier, however, was too stupid to see the beautiful woman, he only had eyes for the Israeli Army Uzi that she was holding. All he had was a issued semi-automatic rifle and his own personal crap stick. At night, all the toys came to life and did whatever the hell it is that toys do, which was mostly waging war against each other. The Dumbass Tin Soldier was too stupid to notice the wars, he just kept staring at the Uzi. One night the jack-in-the-box noticed this, and hopped over to where the Dumbass Tin Soldier was standing. Jack-in-the-box: Oi! Froot LoopT!!! You shouldn't stare at things that will never be yours!! The Dumbass Tin Soldier paid him no attention though, he just stood there, staring and muttering: DTS: ....stupid onna, probably doesn't know how to fire that thing properly if I could only have that uzi i'd show them i'd show them all stupid onna, why would she get an uzi in the first place probably some other stupid onna gave it to her, stupid onnas.... ::ahem:: And predictably, all the other toys got really sick of the incomprehensible, moronic, flatulent ramblings of the Dumbass Tin Soldier. So, they all got together with the Jack-in-the-box to hatch a cunning plan to get rid of the greasy annoyance in their midst. The next day, they put their plan into action. When the little boy came in to play with the toys, the Jack-in-the-box hypnotized the boy by swirling the wine in his glass around and around and around and around and around... until the boy was three sheets to the wind. Jack-in-the-box: ::in a chanting voice:: You are getting sleepy...you are totally under my control...you will do as i say... Little Boy: I..will..do..as..you..say.... Jack-in-the-box: Sweet!! Ok, now, you will get me my @%!$*! mobile suit back so I can, oh, sorry, wrong message.... One of the other soldiers walks up to the Jack-in-the-box and whispers in his ear. Jack-in-the-box: Erm, yes, right. ::clears throat and resumes chanting:: You are getting angry....you hate that damn soldier...pick him up...no, not that one, the one on the left....yes...now take him and carry him over to the window...put him on the window sill so he will eventually, ah, screw it...No!!! Sorry, that was a figure of speech...ok, just toss him out the window...yes!!! Kick ass!! We did it!!! NO NO!!!! THAT WAS ANOTHER FIGURE OF SPEECH!!! STOOOPPPPP!!!!!! After some kind of order was restored, the toys were happy once again. The Dumbass Tin Soldier had been chucked out the window, never to be heard from again. Or so they thought.... Down in the street, another child was making his way along, when he heard the muttering of the Dumbass Tin Soldier. He soon discovered that the muttering of the DTS was on a funky wavelength that made his hair stand on end. His hair took forever to get in that perfect gravity defying style, so he decided to get the DTS as far away as possible, post haste. So he pulled his half-mask out of his pocket, put the Dumbass Tin Soldier inside, and sent him on a boat ride down the drain sewer. After all, he had a hundred or so of those masks back at home. The Dumbass Tin Soldier bobbed down the icky, slimy sewage sewer, not noticing the smell because that's what his hair smelled like anyways. Suddenly, two rats popped out of the wall. They didn't normally inhabit the sewers, but the muttering of the DTS had caught their attention. Heero-Rat: Hey!! You in the mask!! Duo-Rat: Pull over and shut up before you irritate us to death!!! DTS: muttermuttermuttermutter... Heero-Rat: dammit.... Duo-Rat: ok, get the suits Heero-Rat: mission accepted So the Heero-Rat went and got the Deathscythe and Wing Zero gundams, and they set off down the sewer after the Dumbass Tin Soldier, ready to kick some serious tin ass. But, luckily for the DTS, and not luckily for everyone else, the Shenlong gundam happened to be bobbing around in the sewer. The DTS climbed in, and took off, with the Deathscythe and Wing Zero hot on it's heels. They flew into a fishing net, and were hauled to the surface, dumped in a bucket and carried off to a kitchen. This all happened so fast, they couldn't help being swept along with the rest of the fish. In the kitchen, the maid was cleaning and gutting the fish, when out of the pile sprang the three gundams. They flew through the air around the maid, firing tiny beam cannons, swinging tiny scythes and shooting tiny jets of fire. Heero-Rat: HAHA!!! DIE!!!! SLICE Heero-Rat: Nice hit, Duo-Rat! Duo-Rat: Nu-uh. That wasn't me. It was the maid, who had neatly cleaved the Shenlong gundam in two with her fish-gutting knife. The knife, by pure coincidence, also happened to be made of gundanium alloy. But the Dumbass Tin Soldier was still alive. (Who does this guy think he is, Rasputin? Why won't he curl up and die already!) The little boy walked in just then, picked him up and took him back to the play room. The DTS still coveted the uzi, and resumed his "onna" muttering. The other toys were dismayed, and were getting ready to lynch the Jack-in-the-box when the Deathscythe and Wing Zero flew in. Heero-Rat: What the bloody hell is going on here? Duo-Rat: Ahem, that's what I was supposed to say. Heero-Rat: really? Duo-Rat: Honto There is much script-shuffling as everyone tries to figure out who's line is who's, and what the hell is supposed to happen next in the action. Finally: Jack-in-the-box: Oh, it's my line. ::cough:: Why don't we just dump him in the fire? The other toys were in a little state of doubt over this one, since dumping him out the window hadn't worked. But a plan is a plan, and besides, it was in the script. The DTS had decided that a direct course of action was in order, and in disaccordance to the script, ran over and yanked the uzi out of the woman's hands. Sally: YOU GIVE MY THAT BACK RIGHT NOW YOU BASTARD!!!! DTS: HAHA!! IT'S MINE NOW!!! He squared off against the two gundams, convienently forgetting that no matter how nifty looking uzis are, they just aren't a match for a gundam. To say nothing of two gundams. All they had to do was pick him up, fly over to the fireplace and dump him in. Everyone cheered. In the morning, as the maid was cleaning out the fireplace, she saw a tiny tin lump in the shape of a Froot LoopT. And that was all that remained of the Dumbass Tin Soldier. She hung it on a chain, and it was known thereafter as simply "fired Froot Loop." The End.